3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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