you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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