I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm bleeding and have questions
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
