My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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