I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
