When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
