Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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