Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
