And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
