I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
