dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
