I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
