I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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