you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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