tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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