im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
