mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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