I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
