If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
