Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
