So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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