oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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