Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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