My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
