i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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