I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
