she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
