i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i need some magic done to my vagina
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
