Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
