Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
