omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
