Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize
