one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
