I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
