We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
