come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
