FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
