Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
