I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
