I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
