I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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