this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
