i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
