I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
