Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
