Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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