i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
