he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
