she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
