You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
