Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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