you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dicks are not precious.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
