come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
