she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
