Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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