Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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