It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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