I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
