My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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