Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize