i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
